Georgia (10-19-14)- Season 22 had team VLR heading into unknown territory as they headed to a secret, clandestine track known as Golden Isles. Judging by the car count, maybe too clandestine. But good racing is good racing. Twelve drivers made the tow to Parts Unknown, hometown to many villainous wrestlers such as The Missing Link, Demolition, and The Ultimate Warrior (Two Warrior references this month for those keeping score at home, I know he was a good guy, but considered a bad guy in our house due to his attacks on Bobby “the Brain” Heenan.) With such an eerie aura around this place, you know shit was about to get weird. Let's just say there would be new villains introduced into the world of DTR2 after this race was done.
Qualifying started out auspiciously with VLR_Shock destroying second place qualifier, JFR_Lastplace by over a tenth of a second. VLR_Shock was likely cheating as he never even came close to hitting that time the rest of the night. BLS_Wheel, Momper and BLS_BW rounded out the top 5. This was Momper’s first time cracking the top 5 in qualifying, so good job to him. This wasn't the only time the Momper car would surprise tonight. In fact, the rookie climbed up on the roof of his car immediately following qualifying and proclaimed himself "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be," ala Bret Hart. This pissed BLS_18 off and he violently choke slammed Momper onto the ground and hovered over him hissing and breathing heavily at the dazed rookie.
2 heats where ran with BLS_18 taking heat #1, and JFR_LP taking heat #2. The red headed stranger with no soul, King Ginger, held on to take his first ever VLR B-main. Do red heads have more fun? As an ancient wise man once said, “NO."
With the heats and B-main completed, it was on to the main event. The XCR_94 machine of Basham was on the point with KK21JR on the outside pole. VLR continued their tradition of starting drivers nobody has ever heard of on the front row. At the drop of the green it was BLS_Jmac going down low and taking the lead with Domper "Showstopper" Momper in tow. What a weird name, but perfect for a heel in the racing world. Jmac and Momper battled side by side for quite awhile, and managed to hold up the entire field in the process. This allowed LP to sneak up and get by Jmac on the low side. By the low side, we mean two lanes below the track surface in the grassy area. They had all the other racing lanes clogged up.
Momper took control of the race at this point. This kid was not gonna be denied, especially after being publicly embarrassed when he was ferociously choke slammed by points leader BLS_18 after he proclaimed himself the best. LP got up under Momper several times, only to have the young driver close the door on him, much like LP's wife does when he tries to put his moves on her at night.
On lap 18 Momper got loose in turn two and was turned around by the close following 99 car. With all this going on, it was only a matter of time before Wheel and Shock would show up. These two are like Siamese twins that they forgot to separate at birth. They go everywhere together, and even bring matching purses to the race track each week.
Wheel was the only car making a go of it on the high side, with Shock plugging along the inside groove. For no apparent reason at the time, LP’s car came to an abrupt stop in the middle of turn one on lap 28. We told you shit was gonna get weird out here in the deep woods. Wheel took the lead after slamming his way past VLR_Shock once JFR_LP disappeared, and was not challenged the rest of the way to another win.
But dark, dark forces were at work tonight. After further review from the crackhead VLR officials, it was determined that the race was to be restarted with 22 laps remaining due to the fact that the KK21JR machine was embedded halfway into the track, but only half of the field being able to see, and feel it. Was this for real, or a hoax, like the 1969 Lunar Landing? We may never know. One thing we do know, VLR completely picked a random lap to restart at because that's just the kind of shit they do at this series. They jumbled the start and LP was given the pole even though BLS_18 had to be drug out of victory lane by a pack of midgets who call the area home and forced back into his car. 18 was pissed, but at the same time understanding, since VLR has been known to screw him out of many wins in the past.
"We'll just have to come back out and spank these mother heifers ass yet again I guess," said the cocky, but probably correct BLS_18. "If I don't run out of gas for running 22 freaking laps extra for no damn reason I should dominate this damn thing."
With the field lined back up for a restart, LP was given back the lead with Wheel and Shock behind him. BW, Wheel and Shock fought hard allowing the 99 car to open up a small lead. When the dust settled it was Wheel in second, but only a few laps remained. Late in the race Shock bounced off the wall and collided with BW, opening the door for Momper to sneak into the fourth spot.
Incredibly, BLS_18 wasn't nearly as strong in the second attempt, and LP went on to win the controversial race, with Wheel taking his 6th 2nd place finish in a row, pretty damn good when an off night finds you runnerup. But it's also gotta be incredibly frustrating knowing that you could be so close every week and still find yourself not on the winner circle. Shock held onto to third, with Momper claiming his best finish to date with a fine 4th place.
Momper was feeling quite proud of his accomplishment and promptly added injury to insult after BLS_18 frustratingly lost a race he thought he should've won by punching the 74 time VLR champion in the mouth and ran towards victory lane. Once in victory lane, he jerked the microphone away from JFR_LP and said "Screw all of you!!! I will never lose again!" Then he quickly dropped the mic and ran away into the woods, not to be seen since.
Behind Domper Momper, Mr. Consistency, BLS_BW found a way to finish in the top 5. After his car was dug out of the track and placed back on the grid, KK21JR also recorded his best finish with his 6th place. Fort Worth, TX driver DirtyDirk finished seventh, with Basham also earning his best career finish at VLR with an 8th place. Hard luck driver of the night had to be Jmac, whose 4th place finish in the first running of the A-main was wiped out and replaced with a disappointing 9th. Jmac has lead many features in VLR this year, and it’s only a matter of time before he picks up his first win in the series. King Ginger rounded out the top ten.
There was even more controversy at the post race inspection, as the 99 car of LP was found 2 millimeters too low by another crackhead VLR official. Team JFR race Director, Faschek pointed out to VLR officials that LP had consumed a 24 piece bucket of KFC Chicken, a Party Pack of Tacos, and 6 liters of Orange Fango soda during the break between the 2 features, thus adding an additional 10 pounds to a car that was already struggling to support the rotund frame of LP. Faschek stated that this extra weight on top of the already extraordinary amount of pressure on the car to support LP, caused the car to sag lower than it was during the first part of the feature. VLR officials bought this and gave the win to LP and immediately banned eating during any breaks in the racing action in the future.
Only one more race on the schedule and the top spot is not totally locked up yet. Wheel (BLS_18) with his worst finish of the year being a 3rd, somehow only has a 8 point lead over Shock. There has been rumors circling in the pits that Shock has been bribing the crooked officials for bonus points in exchange to clean toilets and pick up trash after VLR events, and that this may explain how he is so close to BLS_18 in points despite having an average finish of 17.82 at VLR this year.
BW has third place locked up. AIR_RB sits in 4th heading into the finale with a 13 point lead over Dirk. AIR_69 only has a 4 point lead over JFR_Duster. Jmac is in 8th place with only a one point lead over Geisler. Geisler only made 3 shows this year, but has made the most of them. WFO_Ranger rounds out the top 10 in points, with no one realistically close to challenge.
The battle for team supremacy is also up for grabs. BLS, VLR, and AIR all have 3 wins each so far. There has certainly been a diverse group of winners this season.
For the finale, VLR head s to the historic Eldora Speedway in Rossburg, Ohio for the Dream 75, hope to see you all there. This track is gonna put on an awesome race, and since it's the finale, expect even more hell raising than usual following the race. But first, the drivers must find their way out of Parts Unknown to get to Rossburg.
Looking at Google Maps, Rossburg is only about 60 miles from Parts Unknown and sits right in middle of giant corn fields. Should be another scary race, just in time for Halloween.