January 17, 2016 (New Richmond, WI)- The time finally came for the 24th VLR Season, but it wasn't only VLR as a newer team, SKM, partnered with VLR for what will be the biggest VLR season it its eleven year history.
An impressive field of thirty drivers showed up to take on the high banks of Cedar Lake Speedway, but four racers left after discovering that new laws passed by the local authorities banned tobacco usage at public sporting events. Ohio driver Goldfish was furious and started to protest. He went straight to the New Richmond City Hall, shouting and holding signs that said "ANARCHY IS ORDER, GOVERNMENT IS CHAOS!" He was later arrested and had to be handcuffed to his late model for the rest of the day.
The twenty-six racers that did stay after qualifying were: Faschek, GLH_Bubba, JFR_Duster, XCR_RB!, XRT*Twiz, Hoover, Do!t 87, WFO_Goldfish, BLS_Stephen33, War48, JFR*Waidler, Basham, BLS_J-MAC, XCR_43a, JFR_17, SKM_D$5, VLR_Atwood, JFR_lastplace, VLR_Superman, IFRT_END, XCR_KingGinger, SKM_Smallz, VLR_Momper, WFO Rainman, VLR_JJ, SKM_18, VLR_Shock, VLR_JW, XCR_Orso. Try saying that five times fast.
Multiple pre-race interviews were conducted, starting with last year's champion and home-state driver Austen Semmelmann aka SKM_18. We asked him what his plans were for the upcoming season. "My plans are to win every race I'm in, and just because my beloved Packers lost doesn't mean I will!" He then pushed the microphone away as he started to choke up. He quickly gathered his emotions and retreated to his hauler for a 2 minute and 14 second love-making session with his Aaron Rodgers fathead.
We asked last year's series runner up Kyle Orso, AKA XCR_Orso about cheating allegations that have constantly plagued him over the past few years. "What? Me. Cheating? I don't even know what EXE stands for, let alone decompile one and change the source code while asynchronously disbanding the continuation of the distributor polygenesis coordinates in order to gain an unfair advantage.
People accusing me of this are just jealous that I was able to give Wheel a run for his money last season. He is protected by this series at all costs even if it means turning on other, more handsome drivers, such as myself in order to not make him jealous."
We were about to ask VLR_END for an interview but he had to drive twenty minutes down the road to smoke. We got around to asking WFO_Rainman what his intentions were for the season and he just said “All I want to do is keep WFO alive. Anybody want to join?” Goldfish shouted half way across the pit area “I DO! I WANT TO JOIN! I WILL PAY YOU IF I COULD JOIN. HERE'S $6.83 CENTS. PLEASE PLEASE OH PLEASE LET ME JOIN YOUR TEAM!!!” He tried to run over to Rainman but he was met with humiliation as the handcuffs chained to his car only enabled him to get half a foot closer before yanking his wrist back with a violent recoil that could only be likened to that of his years of nonstop masturbation.
With the prerace interviews out of the way, qualifying was ready to start. VLR_10, AKA Jesse Enterkin stole pole by a few hundredths of a second over teammate VLR_Shock. VLR swept the top three as VLR_JW, XRL*Twiz, and JFR_lastplace rounded out the top five. Other notable mentions were Hoover who came third to last instead of last, a career best for him, and Josh Atwood (AKA VLR_777) who came in 8th. Which is funny because his girlfriend said he almost always comes first when he's home. Qualifying is over, so that means heats are next.
There were four action-packed heats tonight. The format was different than usual for this race as well, keeping with VLR's tradition of screwing up as many good things as possible when starting a new season. They ran eight laps with the normal lineup, and then eight laps reversed from the finish of the first. The lineup for the first heat was V10, lp, XRL RB!, XCR_KG, WFOx59, 43A, Waidler, and X17. The order of finish after points were tallied after the two sets were ran was X17, x59, V10, LP, 43A, RB, Waidler.
Heat two’s lineup was VLR_0, 18, DS5, Smallz, 38x, 17, D Hoover. The finish after the points was Wheel, Smallz, Shock, Dillon (DS5), J17.
Heat three was V70, V9, J-MAC, VLR4, Rac87, 33, IFRTWAR48. And after points looked like VLR_JW, VLR_Momper, VLR_End, J-Mac, BLS_33, War48, Rac.
Finally, the fourth and final heat was XRL*Twiz, VLR_777, X89, VLR_S, J97, X94, WFO_Gld. And after points looked like Orso, Superman, XCR_94, Twiz.
The A-Main lineup so far is X17, Wheel, VLR_JW, Orso, x59, Smallz, VLR_Momper, Superman, with the top two transferring from the B-Main. But before the B-main, we gotta have the two C-Mains! Winner transfers to the B-Main from each.
The first C-Main lineup was 43A, BLS_33, RB, War48, Waidler, Rac. 43a was able to take home the C Main #1 win in the biggest win of his career. The winner from the second C-Main was J17, then IFRTWAR48, and WFO_Gld. They finished in the same order they started.
The B-Main lineup is VLR_10, VLR_Shock, VLR_End, VLR_Atwood, JFR_LP, DS5, J-Mac, XCR_94, 43A, IFRTWAR48. Good job to 43 and War in the C-Mains, will their skill push them into the A? Most likely not.
The top 3 will transfer to the A-Main that pays a large amount of money to the top five. It would have been the top two to transfer but VLR_Superman had to leave to go save the world or something like that. He’s from Tennessee, though, so it's just as likely that he was jacked up on a toxic combination of methamphetamines and moonpies and having delusional thoughts.
Toward the end of the B-Main, Shock was worried that his streak of making thirty A Mains in a row at VLR was about to reset to 0 after JFR_lastplace was giving him a huge hardon of a time. Shock managed to get the final transfer spot by mere inches over LP, with V10 in first and VLR4 in second, an all VLR transfer. With all the preliminary races out of the way, It’s now time to start the USA Nationals!
The lineup for the event is X17, Wheel, VLR_JW, Orso, x59, Smallz, VLR_Momper, Superman, VLR_JJ, VLR_END, VLR_Shock. Howard Weaver (Shock) was seen wearing a brown paper lunch bag that he stole from a 50 year old lady in the stands so he could hide his shame of starting last in one of the biggest races in DTR2 History.
Typical VLR action started when the flagman waved the dual green flags. Pole sitter XCR_KingGinger jumped off the line and started to work the high side as SKM_18 followed behind. JW went low and Orso stayed in the middle.
KingGinger held the lead only for a lap or two before violently falling to the rear of the field quicker than it takes VLR_777 to acheive an orgasm with his smoking hot girlfriend. In turns out that Ginger's crew forgot to put a right rear tire on when selecting the tire compound for the A Main, and this somehow went unnoticed in the feature. Once Ginger realized that he was only driving on three wheels he began throwing debris and ripping out locks of his precious bright-red hair to throw onto the track in desperation for a caution.
Rainman was on a tear as in the first 10 laps he was hassling SKM_18 for second. Shock was behind Rain and in front of Orso. Pretty good with his view being limited from a bag and having to come from dead last. Three wide action was seen all around the extremely tacky track in the first few laps. However, XCR_KingGinger finally got his wish for a caution as END spun and the flagman waved a yellow flag on lap 14. The race resumed with END in the tail.
Rain and Wheel were physical all race but there wasn’t a single rainjob (A rainjob is when a driver ferociously slams into another competitors left-side door while pretending like they were trying to do a standard clean slidejob). Disappointing, I know. VLR_JW was leading the race with Wheel behind after the restart and JW quickly put a huge gap on the field of nearly five seconds. Rainman still was putting up a fight with Wheel, and you could tell that Wheel was getting frustrated as he was not used to battling with what he calls "washed-up hacks with 1/10th of the skill I have."
When lap 74 came around VLR_END finally blew his engine after idling around the track after his initial wreck. This brought out another caution, and the crazy Iowa driver decided to take an ice pick and break through the infield pond at Cedar Lake to watch the rest of the race. He was quickly rescued from the pond after 78 seconds and had to be treated for severe hypothermia and an unrelated Viagra overdose.
With 26 laps to go and $100 dollars for the winner (in addition to a payout for the entire top 5) on the line it was sure to be a stunner. The restart lineup was VLR_JW, SKM_18, Rainman, XCR_Orso, VLR_Shock, VLR_JJ, SKM_Smallz, XCR_Ginger, and finally VLR_M9. The racing was even more intense than before and there was 3 wide racing up front. V70 was pulling away and Rainman continued to pound away at Wheel.
As the laps ticked down Orso was making his way to the front. Last year’s championship runner up was about to pass the defending champion SKM_18. SKM_18's lap times were slowed because of Rain trying to pass him. Rain eventually let off a little bit and he slipped back to sixth. Wheel slipped back to 4th as Orso's tires finally started to come in and he closed right up on the rear bumper of VLR_JW before dipping under to take the lead with just three laps to go! JW, SKM_18, and WFO_Rainman's tires were all starting to fall apart after 97 grueling laps and that allowed VLR_Shock to being to close in on the top three with a slightly harder compound.
During that time Shock was smelling a 3rd place finish. He also smelled Bojangles Fried Chicken, which is what his prize money will be spent on. After some late race slicing and dicing which featured the top five cars under a blanket it was XCR_Orso who survived the maddness by going from fourth to first in one lap! Orso was followed closely by V70, VLR_Shock, Wheel, V10, x59, V9, Smallz, X17, and END(dnf).
We interviewed Orso, Wheel, Shock, D$5, and Smallz after the victory lane celebration. Here’s what Orso had to say: “Man it feels great to win, people calling me a cheater just don’t understand what it feels like to be a winner. I already know I’m going to spend my money on a lifetime supply of Xbox Live. Can’t get enough Xbox.”
Wheel: “I’m sick and tired of having a good car but having jackasses like Rainman show up and ruin it. WFO has shown to be a dirty team, and I don’t know why Shock and Smallz allowed them to race. Now they have Goldfish on too, is Rain some kind of idiot? Oh wait of course he is, he’s on WFO. I’m done with this game, once and for all. You hacks can't compete with me.”
Shock said: “Third place? I’m happy with that. That’s enough money for some BoJangles for the girlfriend and kids. See you next week. Hopefully I win, I’d love to go to Pigeon Forge again after winning a race in this money series.”
DS5: “I don’t have much to say, but I think I did pretty well and I’m ready to come back next week.” He called this morning and added to his interview. “And don’t worry about my big brother Wheel; he’s still upset about the Packers loss. He’s still throwing darts at his Aaron Rodgers fathead. See you at Knoxville!”
Finally, Assistant Race Promoter and Treasurer SKM_Smallz: “I had a pretty good car just had a hard time passing. 8th place isn’t what I wanted but it is better than 9th. I hate these draft tracks so I doubt I’ll be any better at Knoxville but we’ll see when we get there.”
That concludes the season opener for VLR/SKM! See you next week at BMS Knoxville IA for another money race. If 20 plus cars show up again then the top five will get paid! If 20-plus cars attend the next two races we will do a hefty points payout to the top five or ten point finishers in the standings (specifics will be determined after race #3).
Full Results / Start Position / Name / Location
1. (4th) Kyle Orso / Herrin, ILL
2. (3rd) Josh Weems / West Point, MS
3. (10th) Howard Weaver / Crossville, TN
4. (2nd) Austen Semmelmann / Brookfield, WI
5. (8th) Jesse Enterkin / Milton, FL
6. (5th) Joe Roberson / East Moline, ILL
7. (7th) Jake Momper / Wilmington, ILL
8. (6th) Jared Kane / Pittsburgh, PA
9. (1st) Zachary Mietzner / Wilmington, ILL
10. (9th) Eric Dennison / Dallas, IA
11. Trevor Denton / Knoxville, TN
12. Bill Ahrens / Selinsgrove, PA
13. Josh Atwood / Frankfort, OH
14. Dillon Semmelmann / Brookfield, WI
15. John Felton / Parsons, KS
16. Mark Guessford / Hagerstown, MD
17. Jeremy McGaffin / Amsterdam, NY
18. Ryan Topping / New Albany, IN
19. Nick Waidler / Mount Pleasant, MI
20. Joe Morris / Waterloo, IA
21. Stephen Skaggs / Joplin, MO
22. Mike Eskelin / Jefferson, OH
23. Rick Cote / Meriden, KS
24. Darren Hoover / Buckhannon, WV
25. Danny Rogers / Cortland, NY
26. Brandin Butterfield / Hannibal, NY
27. Ron Teague / Hickory, NC
28. Bubba Rowe Jr / Hernando, MS
29. Logan Hunter / Hindman, KY